that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
