idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
