Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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