Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
