When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
