he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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