he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
