She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
