My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
And then he peed in my hair
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