I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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