i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize