The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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