i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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