my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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