Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Please don't give away my fajitas
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