Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
