I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
