Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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