he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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