I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize