Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
being pregnant is like rehab
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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