how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
