Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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