he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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