Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
3pm strippers are depressing
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize