That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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