wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
