i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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