i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
