his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
