sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
