You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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