Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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