Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
