Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
