I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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