i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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