she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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