you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
