If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I have already put on my inside pants.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
