I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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