she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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