the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
