i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize