Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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