we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
