never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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