My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
