sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
