Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
