I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
