I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
