so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
