I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
