He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
