halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
