After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
