Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
