So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
