Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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