Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
