Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
