Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
