So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
