Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize