I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
that is very illegal...i love you.
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