from now on my penis is your penis
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
