look no pants
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
