Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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