I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I fill condoms, not promises.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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