I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
